crybaby

Do you search for the pain? I do. Not the physical one. I sometimes just stop controlling my mind and it wonders to places. After those adventures I am scared of what I am becoming. and I just found a cure for that I guess. just watch movies that make me cry. or read books that make me cry. It helps, for some time, untill my brain remembers how far I am and how many times a day i forget where am I.

days of sitting at home are not helping either. you just watch the blank wall, got bored even by talking to yourself out loud and nothing changes. you lost concentration, get addicted to phone, but do not answer anyone and if you are really honest to yourself, there is no one to respond.

days like that, when I have the attacks are the worst. barely goes a day or two without it now anyways, so, there is nothing left for me but to surrender and get used to it. I can always come back. its just a phase. I just need to be strong.

just need to be strong.

and hope that no one will read this.

You know, its funny, how the cards of tarot can predict the future. or you transpose the predictions into your future. the only thing that keeps me going are the lies i tell to myself. that i will have a great life, that everyone i love will be with me, that i will actually achieve something, that I won’t be a failure, that i will be loved and cared, and that these all, will go and I won’t ever remember how many times a day I cried and did nothing to ease the pain I cannot locate neither in my heart nor in my mind.

the only thing that keeps me going is hope.

that today was not the worst day of my life and tomorrow is not going to be one either.

and I simply need to look at the bright side, cause no matter what, there always is one thing to be happy about.